They’ll just cook it on the same nasty spot they cook all the meat. It’s what all the restaurants get wrong with their Beyond/Impossible options. My wife loves Beyond Burgers at home, but she won’t order them from any restaurant because they cook them on the same grill that’s been used to fry up greasy beef all day. She doesn’t care if the grill has been cleaned. She just can’t do it, and I get it.

I thought this was a filthy paintball mask.

Scrungus is my favorite, but he is absolutely not a friend. He is a menace.

Every now and then I just save the German memes and send them to my English group chats to make sure they’re confused too.

I love staring at a small, rusty, unassuming chimney and knowing it’s just sitting on top of the fucking Vatican.

I always try to imagine the process of deciding, and it’s hard to take it seriously.

“Carnidal Donatello has done some great work for the church, and the nuns really like him.”

“Yes, sure, I agree with you there. However, I think that Mortimer has been much closer to God. I saw him the other day – Mortimer, that is, not God – and I swear he was radiating with light.”

“Mortimer truly does radiate with light, but that may have been due to his proximity to the CNPP back in '86, and might explain his extra appendages… You’ve certainly been quiet through these deliberations, Marco. What are your thoughts on the matter?”

“Me? Oh. Well… I kind of like Bill.”

Shit’s embarrassing. I used to think I was such a clever person, but came across like a loser and a try-hard. Most of them got all of 2 likes, if any.

PARATHOROLOPHUTH!!

"When asked how they managed to fend off the reptiles, crash survivor Amos Moses said, “I just knock 'em in da head wit a stump.”

Alright, boys. Hear me out. You cut a hole on the inside of your pocket, put on your pants, then pull your penis through the hole so that it is emerging and/or hanging out of your pocket.

I sustained a stress fracture of the fifth metatarsal completely at random last year. No trauma, no accidents, nothing. Went on a five-day drive and returned to go to work. A week later my foot started hurting really bad. I kept working on it and eventually saw a doctor. Misdiagnosed as plantar fasciitis, and continued to work on it with insoles. After a while I had to get an air boot. Before long it was x-rayed and turned out to be a stress fracture with no apparent origin.

The six month healing process was absolute fucking garbage and I would never do it again. Having nearly two months off of work was nice enough, but I couldn’t do much other than lay around elevating my foot. If I tried to get in my computer the pain in my foot would increase tenfold. Crutches to get around anywhere. Showered by laying spread eagle on the floor of the tub, blasting out my asshole with the shower head. Mornings were excruciating as the blood rushed to the fracture site and caused my foot to swell up big and purple. Genuinely the worst injury I’ve ever had to heal from. I never thought it would get better. I truly thought this was the new normal. You’d think a small stress fracture would be minor. Still hurts here and there but I’m about seven months out and doing a lot better than before.

Have to assume I’m just getting old, I guess.

Kyle is one of those names that don’t really kick in until age 12. Like, yeah, that baby is named Kyle. But it hasn’t kicked in yet.

My wife sometimes stops to compliment me because she knows men don’t often receive compliments. I always appreciate that.

Russian porn sites be like…

I’m almost certain I saw some dudes chilling here in the Lesser Zone.

Milo / Mimo has a deep and peaceful soul that has been with my family for nearly eight years now. He is always the most serene presence in the house, and he always shows deep affection toward me, my wife, and my little girl. One of his preferred methods is to rest his forehead against mine with his eyes closed, purring for extended periods of time.

That man enjoys gentle mornings beside the goose garden.

Next one will be the Tesla Model 80085…

His juvenile enthusiasm for the letter X is so ten-year-old boy with sunglasses.

The voters for sure. I’ve engaged with so many obnoxious, irrational, hyper-aggressive people lately who are so high on their own farts and delusion that they’re beyond getting through to. One guy even offered to “fly me out today” to fight him over the subject. Right-wing propoganda has them angry at their own shadow.

I know advocating for violence is frowned upon, but maybe fucking these people up is the only way to get through to them. Seems to be the only language they speak by the end of any argument.